There are some things along this journey that repeat time and time again. One of these, for me, is the step, consolidate, test, and integrate process. I don't know why it works this way, but it is the way that it seems to. It is always about the steps I take along the spiritual pathway. There is no step, really, just a permanent change of mind. All these imaginary steps have their own process and work that go into them. It seems odd to expend energy on something that in reality is baseless, causeless, and really doesn't exist at all, but that is the mystery of the journey.
All of it has a process... a reasoned process, whether emotional or intellectual reasoning. It begins with a "problem," which is an imaginary line between what reality is and the unreality of what I hold in my mind. The unreality of the mind is really nothing. It doesn't exist; I just think it does. Therefore, my vision of the world is in chains of ether than have neither substance nor form but exist by limiting my thought and my real experience of the world.
Experience itself is imaginary. I hold so many thoughts and beliefs about the world that are not true through which we interpret the world. The beliefs, thoughts, and inner or deep core stories that I have about the world simply make a screen or filter through which reality must come into my conscious mind. It is this that makes up my experience of the world. I do not see clearly what reality is, because I have a belief about what reality should be. The process I am talking about is really a belief destruction process, where the belief is seen to be false and, therefore, ceases to exist, and it takes with it all the accumulated crap or screen that it put in front of my encounter with reality.
So the problem must first be seen. It starts for me as an issue with the world. I may be depressed, irritated, manic, miserable, hysterical, angry, excited, physically disconnected or ill, or whatever. All of these are states of perturbation in the mind. Buddhism describes these states collectively as "suffering". Sometimes the feeling is vague and very subtle. It might be as severe as depression or as subtle as a slight discontent. It doesn't matter how vague or slight the feeling of discontent is; it just simply must be removed because I want no filters on life. I feel like a store that is closing its doors... "Everything must go!"
It usually starts with a feeling and ends with a question... although now, I simply seem to shortcut right to the question, "Does this have anything to do with my reality?" When the question is seen, it can then be explored. Pain is a question. The exploration of that question is bringing all your self to the question, feeling the pain, deeply and with great interest. Only then can it be seen for what it is. Chronic illness and pain are typically like this. They usually stem from pent-up emotions and dissonant thought. (ex. I believe in a loving God that put me here on the Earth butt-naked and without memory and expects me to follow some guy who died 2,000 years ago for my sins or else I will go to hell forever. I have to find the guy, learn to follow his very stringent rules according to the "right" set of rules, make no mistakes or be really, really sorry when I do, and catch God on a good hair day when I die.) Here the dissonance of thought can be seen. Thought: Love = bizarre charade of life that places me constantly in misery trying to conform to something I am not or else I will suffer eternal damnation and self-renewing flesh that burns at 50 million degree Fahrenheit.
Exploration of the dissonance is the step. Once the bizarre aspect of dissonant thought is explored, it kind of "blows up". This is the only way to describe it for me. The feeling is unmistakable. It is an immediate, resonating feeling of release, relief, and epiphany all at once. It can be subtle or intense, but it is always present when a key opens a door.
The next stage is consolidation. I must consolidate my learning in my everyday life. It is like taking blinders off and then refusing to put them back on. No matter what happens, for instance, the internal feeling of anger is unjustified. Anger is victimhood, the fear of being a victim. I am not a victim. So... therefore, when I have seen the falsity of my own feelings that I have no control, I cannot feel like a victim. Yet, the mind is addicted to this feeling. It needs consolidation into the reality of itself. The reality is I am loved and I am safe. I am not a victim of my own life. So this part is the learning part. I let something bother me, and then I must see that it is bothering me and forgive my mind of its addiction to its prior state of being. It is not that I cannot display anger, oddly. The display may be necessary in communication with another for some reason. I am talking about my internal reality. This takes great honesty with oneself. Do I feel angry... am I identified with the feeling of anger?
Very soon... the consolidation period typically does not take long if I am vigilant... the consolidation becomes the new way of operating in the world. The next phase is testing. Occasionally, the problem, especially over issues that have been chronic for a long period of time, will surface again. It is almost like the Universe is testing our resolve. I don't know why this is, but most of the time major changes take reiteration of my will and intent. This is where forgiveness takes a critical role. Every time something comes up that I have seen in the past, I have to forgive it and myself for the inherent dissonance I still hold around the issue. It is a holding to that which I know to be true.
The testing thing came again today over a large amount of anger I hold towards a business investment I made. My partner and I decided to keep the former owner on in the company and mentor him. The former owner is absolutely rife with self-sabotage in many ways. I suspect that it may stem from a deep sense of his unworthiness to experience joy and love. I don't know why... I haven't delved that deeply with him, although we have discussed it many times. Today, an error of his came to light which may cost the company a major account which we just barely got. Some might say that anger is justified on my account. It was "clearly" his fuck up... right?
Is that true? Could he have foreseen all the circumstances surrounding that error? Could he have prevented it from happening? Could he have placated hostile parties that wanted to torpedo the business win? Isn't my anger simply being a victim of his when it was really impossible for him to control the whole situation? What good does my anger do? What good could possibly come from me holding anger? I place myself in the position of judge, juror, and executioner when I accept this kind of instant retribution on someone. That means that my inner feelings of "victim" want "justice". A Course in Miracles says this (paraphrased), in every situation you must simply ask yourself what it is you really want. What do I really want in this situation?
Well... what I want is to know that I am safe, that I am secure, that my reality is one of Love, which makes safe. That is what I want. I simply want to know that the business is safe. What good does it do me to pile all of the business woes onto one person? Does it bring me safety? Does it bring me security? Does it make me one more penny of money? No. It accomplishes nothing except to help me unload my anger onto him. I get to skirt my responsibility for feeling angry by projecting it onto him. That is all that happens. I merely displace the anger through judgment and settle it on his shoulders... or so I think. What is harmed is my mind... because the anger remains as a sort of misplaced emotional child that has no real possibility of accomplishing anything. It is impotent. I have indeed, now, made myself a victim of my own anger which I get to carry with me. How is that for self-fulfilling prophecy?
So the testing stage is the stage in which the full ramification of the learning can be seen. It is where the rubber meets the road. When I stopped for a moment, right after the anger started going full-tilt, I could see the whole of it. It was then that the forgiveness played the role of establishing equilibrium again. Oddly, after the forgiveness... they were able to make contact with the customer (who they hadn't been able to contact for weeks) and set an appointment for Monday to explain the error; thereby, bypassing the torpedoing third-party altogether.
Integration is when the new reality takes complete hold in the mind. The mind learns to simply think in the correct manner all the time. It is when there is no more stopping to think about a situation... the situation simply does not occur anymore, because forgiveness is continuous, unabated, and complete in scope. It is when the mind no longer holds a thought of the past, and it is constantly adhering to a new way of being. It is like the point in a sport when your body no longer has to obey thought to perform the action. It simply moves with the flow, kicks or hits the ball, feels the correct stance or footing, and the mind is then freed to simply enjoy the experience. You don't have to think about running; you just run.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment