I thought it might be helpful to those who are not only interested in this journey but who really want to reach the goal. I talked with a friend the other day, and I could feel their fear in looking inwardly to their own internal state. The "internal" state does not exist, but the structure and process of their own thought which creates the fear still exists. The engine has to be shutdown. The engine that creates the internal fear-based thinking has to be dismantled in order to progress.
Do not be afraid to look. There is nothing there, but you have to walk through the hell you created in order to find out that hell is not real. Dropping hell is easy once you see the fallacy of it.
The only thing supporting me through this is this one thing, Trust. I have walked this path now for the last three and a half years in earnest, but I feel sometimes that I have been preparing for it all of my life. It has been three years of mapping out and systematically destroying my own internal hell. Every step has deepened my joy. Every step has made me more free. Every step was like moving a fucking mountain, but illusion is finite. Reality is infinite. I take heart in this and move forward. Trust is developed along the way as the expulsion of the old allows room for the new, and the new is proven to be more joyful than what I just left. There is nothing like those moments of grace.
I leave you with my excerpts to maybe give you clues on what I am talking about.
6/7/2010
Good morning, Love. Over the last few days, I have been resting in a state that I do not know the name of. I don’t know what or why I continue along this journey, and I only know that my seeking is as ludicrous as my longing for wholeness. How can I not be what God has created? I still know too much. I still have too much. I am so tired of holding on… holding onto this bundle of thoughts and dreams as though they have something to offer me. They are all useless… they are all nothing. There is only one place that I want to be, and oddly, this is nowhere. Owning nothing, having nothing, I simply want to see the reality of this. There is only one solution, and that is the recognition of all that I thought I was is not, all that I wished to be is not who I am.
There is this great pain and sadness in me that I cannot seem to see. I feel it. I feel there is much that I do not understand yet. This journey has taken me many places, but I still have not seen the dissolution of that which I feel needs to dissolve. Of all that I have encountered, seen, experienced, taken as me, placed on me… none of it means anything. None of it can match those times that I fall out of myself and simply inject myself into life. That is where joy lies. That is where Love lives. This is the only thing that I want… to make permanent this change I feel in me. To make permanent nothingness, because then I can feel beyond the bundles of thought and emotion, beyond the warp and woof of my life. This is the path to my reality. I awakened this morning with only these thoughts. Nothing else really matters. It never did.
6/13/10
Good morning, Love. I feel that I am reaching some sort of end game here with the ego. I have felt this way in the past when I am making a major step into myself. I cannot know where this will lead, but I do know that big questions are in my thoughts this morning. I had a dream again last night of X getting married. I don’t know why this is coming up again, but I suspect that it has something to do with the deepening meditative states that have been occurring. It seems to be bringing more and more into consciousness that had been buried before. I cannot know why the thoughts are occurring, but I know the response. I am not separate. The “I” I feel is not real. Therefore only forgiveness is the correct response.
Conterminously with these thoughts are the thoughts of my own free will and what that means exactly. What is free will of that which is not separate? Can there be a will apart from the Will of my Father? Isn’t that the point? Isn’t that where the original error was made? I have no idea of how free will could exist in this context. If I am not “other” then where am I? What is I? There is only one remedy. Drop the identification with “I” altogether and merely join with that which is not separate from “I”. Words get difficult here. I feel sometimes that I am making decisions, yet where are the decisions made and for what purpose are they made? It must be a dream of which I have dreamed I am separate from all that exists. Therefore, decisions seem to have no purpose and no plan, no reality in and of themselves… for what can exist outside of everything? There is no such place.
I feel in me this morning a certainty that has been growing over the last few weeks. It is certain that “I” has begun to feel less like an “I” than ever before. Occasionally, this brings such sorrow that words cannot express it. Occasionally too, these thoughts bring such absolute wonder and joy that I cannot contain it… I have to “leave” to be able to feel it fully. I feel like I am on a teeter-totter that is rocking back and forth between abject despair and joy so magnificent that it defies words. The sense of “I” is very stubborn, and as U.G. Krishnamurti says, “How can you be interested in liquidating yourself?” I do not know how I can be interested in it… it is more that I cannot stand any longer to be separate from all that is. That is all.
There is a place that is beyond all this thought. There is a place “I” have been abiding in that is growing in sense and magnitude. It is deep within me, yet apart from “me”… I cannot describe it. Only silence exists there. Only awareness of something… not sure yet what that something is. Thought does not seem to touch it at all. It is a place of simple and complete peace. There is nothing else there, yet it does not feel desolate. Rather it simply feels like home… like “my” place… or the place… not sure which. There is no idea of separateness there, because there is no idea there of anything. It has no ideas.
Someone, on the spiritual forum that I visit, said this, “Now, just drop the identifying and all separation will disappear.” “I” still wants to identify with this place in me… as though the bundle of thoughts, emotions, and structures built of both could possibly identify with a place that holds none of that. This place calls to me constantly… it calls to me to come home. This would be easy if I could drop all the bundles at once and simply abide there permanently.
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