It Never Needed to Be the Way It Was

I don't know why some things change.  Maybe it was the bright days that I spent this weekend with my brother, or maybe it was the day in the park - throwing a frisbee, talking, laughing, or maybe it was letting go, finally, of the "struggle" that I thought life should be.  Whatever it was, however I got here, all I know is that something happened.  It seems like something relaxed in me; a tension, a tension that had been building for years and years, a tension that meant everything to me that I found was nothing, suddenly left.  I don't know how to describe it, but I finally put down my sword.  I didn't need it after all.


Well, I did and I didn't need that sword, that sword of discrimination, that sword of my thought, that sword that seemed glued to my fingers... I finally know that Life is not a battle.  I finally know that "This need not be," (borrowed with immense gratitude from A Course in Miracles).  I am not my concept of myself.  I no longer see any value in fighting, in discord, in conflict.  I don't know what happened.  I went to sleep.  It was a sleep of gratitude (because I thought this weekend would be a hard one, lonely, separate, one without a second to share it with, a weekend I have been accustomed to over the last three years since Dian died).  It was a sleep of exhaustion.  Exhaustion with my life; exhaustion with my made up fantasy of life; exhaustion with all that I thought I "should" do... physical, mental, spiritual exhaustion... all of it in a big wad of nothing.

One promise awakened me and attended me in my sleep... one promise of Love, of real Hope (not the made-up, keep me from myself kind), of gentle accompaniment.  The struggle is over.  "I, my child, was not meant to be a struggle.  I was meant to be the end of struggle."  I cannot tell you what this means.  I will not tell you what this means, because I would not interrupt anything you need to continue to the point of exhaustion.  Besides, telling you what this means would have no meaning for you.  I only know that it means the ending of struggle for me.  The sword is my symbol that I still "know," that I would substitute something for what Life is, that I would hold my own substitute for Love.  I have no sword... I laid it down.  I found I never needed it anyway.

I need nothing.  Not like I needed it before.  I will not struggle anymore, for the need to struggle has left me.  It never needed to be that way anyway... I just made it that way, because I didn't understand.  The understanding required the sword, but the understanding also demanded that the sword be put away.  Don't ask me how I know.  I just know.  My life is not meant, nor was it ever meant to be a struggle.  I am not playing games here... I do not want to lead you down a path that is not Yours Alone.  All of our paths are for us.  For me, I simply had to lay down my sword.  I don't know what it is for you... maybe you have a broom that needs to be laid down, or a wrench... for me, it is a symbol of my battle, a battle that cannot be fought nor ever won.  It simply doesn't exist.

Am I there?  Interesting question... where is there to reach?  Withdraw for once... for once, actually understand, at a level that goes far beyond your thought, that there is nowhere to reach... that it never really mattered anyway, and yet, it is of the utmost importance.  I simply know that I no longer need the struggle.  The rest will follow.  Of this, I am sure... more sure than I have ever been, ever.... I can no longer pretend that anything else is of any importance... yet... I am excited to see what happens next.  Do I KNOW?  Was there ever a time of not KNOWING?

I debated putting this up.  I know there is more.  I also know this is enough.  Something clicked today.  That something is permanent... or at least I hope/know that it is.  I feel certain things... like my fingers against these keys... yet it is not me... it is not Who I Am.  Maybe some part of me just gave way... gave way to something else... something else that is also me but could never write these words.  I only know this... my struggle is ended.  Knowledge may follow... or it may not... I don't care.  I only know that something has changed.  That is all.  Make of it what you will... it no longer matters to me.