Live authentically or do not live authentically. This one choice. By living authentically, I mean learning Truth. By learning Truth, which cannot be learned, I mean un-learning un-Truth. It does not matter how. You will discover how on your own once you have made the choice. Live Truth or die an un-Truth. Those are your two options. No other choice in life or death exists. Along one path lies Truth and Life. Along the other path lies illusion, addiction to your own pain, and death, although what it is that animates you never dies.
I had an experience this last week. I share experiences only to hopefully keep my own mind pointed in the direction it must take and to give guideposts for those who might make the plunge. As I fell asleep on Tuesday night, I had one thought. "Here I go to die again." Deep, "unconscious" sleep is a misnomer, like so many misnomers in the world; however, all states of consciousness can teach. It is a death in truth. You die every night, only to be reborn the next morning.
This night, the experience started with an identification with a person who is not currently in my immediate sphere of cognition. "I" was bringing this person through their breaking apart experience (some may call it enlightenment) while fully conscious, yet in a deep sleep. It was not a dream... there is no other way to describe it as the experience itself was indescribable. "I" was merely an observer and in part an active part of guidance of this person through the experience. The energy around me was literally nothing but light and dark spaces thrumming in unison to the intensity of my own thoughts as "I" integrated the person into this tunnel or space of light and dark. "I" was the knowing observer, the consciousness of the person, the consciousness of the light and dark itself, and the thrumming space.
"I" let myself into or through the person at a cellular level in order to facilitate the letting go that needed to occur, the ultimate surrender of all this person thought it was. There was great excitement and apprehension as well. There was a thrill, like the thrill of a gigantic drop on a huge roller coaster that led into the unknown. "I" was experiencing the thrill as well as guiding the thrilling energy as well as being the "letting go". It is indescribable because there were no parts of "me" only the "I". As I felt the sweeping away, the final release of the personality, the discarding of culture, the misconception of what the "me" was, "I" realized that there was a piece missing. There was a something that had gotten left out.
"I" realized that there was a component and the whole of the program of release was not occurring. It was a simple thought of, wait-a-second... shouldn't there be more? "I" felt along a thread... and saw that there was a piece that was as of yet not completely brought up to speed with the whole of the program. The script was as of yet incomplete. "I" recognized a place of something called "__my current name__" which "I" was still playing at being. Like an actor who plays many parts to make a career, "I" realized that there was still an incompleteness that showed on my resume. I felt the recognition "first" (it all kind of happened simultaneously), and the thought of the personality of "me", and reached beyond that to a body... which I discovered at the end of the thread.
The body, I realized, had its mouth open, and it felt dry inside. "I" will have to rehydrate the body. The personality still hung out on another thread, like a disembodied sack of beliefs, opinions, and oddly empty shell like thought structures. "I" brought the two together. "Slowly," I thought... "... wouldn't want to shock the body awake, as I need it to complete the part." The body's heartbeat was about 60 beats a minute... about right, "I" thought. The thrumming energy still remained, and "I" knew that this energy could not be integrated to the body itself yet... "I" had almost left the entire thing behind anyway, unfinished... it wouldn't do to hasten its demise before "I" had completed the Work... whatever Work that was.
The personality was slowly joined to the body lying there... one inch at a time, one piece of cognition at a time, one integration with each cell at a time, like a delicate operation by an experienced surgeon. It was like weaving a complicated musical theme using crude instruments. "I" awakened the body slowly as well, felt its energy level rise, felt the senses come alive again, and "I" checked it thoroughly for signs of wear and tear from the experience. The "me" at this point began to experience the whole thing as well, and "I" again realized that "me" was again functioning on the stage, yet "I" remained as awareness itself in the "me". The "me" then realized how close it had come to "death" upon awakening, and there was such a matter-of-factness about it that it caused no fright, no dismay, only an idle curiosity of whether or not "anyone," as in my fellow parts in the theater, would have understood the cause of death. Would the body have simply stopped breathing; would it have been diagnosed in a coma; would the heart have stopped; or would the body simply have gone through a massive stroke as the processes running it were withdrawn?
Idle curiosity. That was all.
Since this, I have not been able to really attach any meaning to the personality "__my current name__" at all, nor to the body which so graciously carries the very small thread of consciousness called "__my current name__" through its experience. I am grateful to both, since they allow me experience this particular theater of life, but they have no real meaning outside of the dream "I" am dreaming. I am sure that my character would fight to remain alive... and this feels nothing like a death wish, which I have felt before. It is more what is required of my character at this particular location along the thread of consciousness in which I find myself.
Identity is no longer really attached to the personality or the body carrying the personality, at least for now. There is an anticipation of what comes next... there is an excitement to discover what is around the corner for "me"... and like a good movie, the experiences still carry emotional charge. This feeling has only faded slightly since awakening that night, but I realize that it is probably where the journey leads next or possibly ultimately... I don't know.
So the choice... the choice I began this post with is nothing more than deciding to be completely identified with the "me" that you think you currently are or the discovery of what it is you truly are. I speak this to both myself and to you. The rest seems to be a tracked script of sorts, a sort of play-acting, dramatic event. You can experience this as painful and wracking or as playful and fun... exciting... exhilarating. The choice is simply How to experience. I suspect that there might also be What to experience, like changing out DVDs in the player, but I am not really sure about that. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to What is actually occurring. "What" is in no danger, ever. "What" could give less than two shits about the show... it could really shut down the show without a moment's notice... like turning off a "B" movie. This would involve shutting down everything you think of as "you"... or "me". The personality, the body, the whole dramatic event of living this day on 7/17/2010 around noon.
The world could end... in one instant. What would you rather be identified with when it ends?
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