The Systematic Destruction of Worth

There is something to be understood here... something I am understanding at deeper and deeper levels of understanding.  Worth, value, that which makes us what we are are the things that disappear, one by one, step by step along the Path.  The goal is always one step further from where we are, or where we think we are.  All distraction is simply a patch-fix pointed or riveted on this one thing, that we want worth, value, something to hold onto in our lives.  We want it to MEAN something, anything.


A Course in Miracles calls it judgment, and it says that a "Teacher of God" may stay in this state of desiring their own judgment for a very long time.  The goal is an unobstructed view of Reality... nothing more, nothing less.  I am having an honest day today, a starkly honest day.  The entity that wishes to place value on anything, including this struggle to be free, is the very entity that must go.  It is the very entity that must die in order to live.  Unobstructed view... that view without judgment of anything as having worth or value.  Valueless seeing.

I realized the other day that everything that I thought was worth something in my house and environment and current place of residence no longer held any value for me.  I remember the first time that I stepped outside of my house about 2 1/2 years ago and saw my car, which had always symbolized my "place" in the world... that pile of metal and rubber and plastic had somehow become a symbol of my gains in the world, my place in it, my worth.  That is a lot to attach to an automobile.  I remember how that day I simply saw it as one thing, a tool.  A tool to help me simply on this journey.  Everything that day had the same message to me.  All the food that "I" ate, the house "I" lived in, the "work" that I did, the money that "I" had all served one purpose.  That purpose was simply to provide the means necessary to wake up without dying physically in the process.

This journey strips one.  It strips one of everything that one thought was worthwhile.  "Worth"while.  As long as one attaches "worth" to anything, they are not there.  Period.  There is nothing here that is worth anything.  Period.  When you leave a movie, do you attach your worth to the desk on the movie set?  Do you bring the movie car home with you?  Except for those rare people who do work in entertainment and have access to those things, the whole idea would be laughable, right?  Wouldn't it?  Think about this.

I am accepting at deeper and deeper levels that the "world" that I see has about as much importance to Who I Am as that movie set.  It is as ephemeral as the two hours I sometimes spend watching a film.  None of it means anything.

My life at this point is simply a continuous letting go of all that had any meaning or worth to me.  The hard part is seeing the distractions for what they are.  Anything that distracts me from the journey is that which needs offing... in a figurative, emotional sense.  Killing the Buddha... the thing that one thinks will save them.  It is a gut-wrenching process which brings tears (as ACIM says, "... and you will weep each time an idol falls.").  It is the emotional attachment that needs cleaning up, severing, letting go.

The ludicrous part is that all this searching, the finding, the understanding, the devastating losses and the triumphant crestings of the hills in front of me, are in the end still nothing.  They mean exactly shit on this path.  It was just another demon that needed slaying.  The systematic destruction of worth is the systematic destruction of myself, piece by piece, agonizing layer by layer.  Every time an idol falls, there is simply another idol that needs slaying behind it.  There is the momentary freedom of dropping that particular idol, and an immediate movement into the next battlefield with the next.  Fighting with a phantom.

I can see that one day, one moment of time... the whole useless journey and the useless idols will fall together.  Just as thought itself has become a non-necessity in my life, the whole of my life will falter and fall.  That is all there will be.  The world will end with a whimper, not a bang, seen for the small simple sham that it has always been.

The odd part is that this seems somewhat apocalyptic or dire or heavy, heavy shit.  It isn't.  It is all an illusion anyway.  It doesn't mean a goddamn thing.  That is the delight in all of it, when I can see clearly.  The struggle for me with this has ended for the most part.  I don't know how to describe it, but the viewpoint is simply one of allowing the Universe to do with me what it wills.  I can feel it in me now.  It is somehow below or encompassing the whole of thought itself.  I don't know where any of this will lead.  It is always described as shocking and indescribable by those people who have made the journey.  I know that they too have gone through these steps, and their understanding had to have been the same as mine at this particular point.  They understand intellectually where the Path takes them, and they were still shocked by the outcome.

There are really no surprises along this journey.  If you can see where the road leads from my writings or from other writings, you understand at the outset where the whole thing goes.  If you begin walking the path, you understand at a very deep level what the whole of the path requires.  It requires nothing short of your life.  Lose your life to find it.  Just words on the surface... agonizing and joyous at the same time in practice.  If you are willing to take the step, it simply rewrites everything... a Universal backspace key.

If you think what you are doing has anything of value in it, you're wrong and right.  You're wrong about their being any value as far as What You Are is concerned, and right about the whole thing being a level playing field where everything has exactly the same value as anything else.  No more value.  No less value.  That's all.  That's all it will ever have.