One Without A Second - For Those Awakening

I Am not your belief, nor can I be relegated to a place in your mind.  I Am your mind, as I Am your heart.  I Am the I Am that comprises you, comprises your seeking, your journeying, your struggles and joys.  In the stillness of your heart I Am found, for I was the one who was lost; there was no other.  Never was there an other.  Can you see?

I Am the light of your soul, the light of awareness, the light of knowledge, and the light of deliverance... why? Because I Am also your darkness, the stink of decay, the sounds of terror in the night, yet I Am Love.  The same Love which delivered you from your darkness, the same darkness that I Am.  You explored the darkness, struggled in vanity, upheld your belief against all odds, failed to see, brilliantly awakened only to sleep again.  I Am your face, but your face is not Mine.  I Am all paradoxes.

Only I can know the everything, yet I constantly come to know the everything through you, through Me, through the Me that is the you that you failed to see.  You once failed, but now you see.  I Am God.  Yet I Am also you.  I Am the experience of you, while not being you.  The you that you made was only a fiction, because you did not want to see that I Am You.  I Am the You you have always wanted to see... right there, as close as your breath, as close as the very feel of the computer you touch as you read these words.

My cancerous mind held all sickness for a while; it held it in Love's embrace so deep that you failed to see that you did not have to die.  You do not have to live, because you may do whatever you may desire, for I Am your desire.  But too, I Am health, Am the rosy cheeks, the flushed face, the brilliancy of a form so strong, yet so delicate, that it hangs constantly in the balance between Earth and Sky.  I Am your insanity and your sanity.  The insane belief that you can be separate as well as the wholeness I created you to be.  I have never left you, yet you tried to leave Me.  This you cannot do, for there is no gulf between our Self.

More than anything I have been, I have been your Freedom, yet you adore your chains.  The chains you think hold you can never hold Me.  I Am your chains and your Freedom.  I peer through your eyes.  I behold my Self in all that I see.  Reach back, and you will know Me.  Let the vision of the world you think you but see fall away, and I will show you Truth.  You are Truth.  The unchanging Me that created all changing, the warping that causes all space and time has never once left home, left the timeless, left Eternity.  Yet I leave and come home once again.  Returning endlessly from inexhaustible form to inexhaustible Peace. I Am that I may see.  I Am that you may be.  I Am that All That Is will know All That Is, for It is All That I Am.

In the quiet of your heart you know Me.  I Am not known through your texts, your words, your writings, and your deliberations.  I Am not known in your contemplation for your thinking mind can never understand Me. Yet I Am your thoughts, the generative force of your stories and tales.  When your thoughts are still, your heart speaks with your mind, and you begin to see only My Self at play.  For that is all that I do, the play of the heart echoing through the mind, feeding back to your heart, and rearranging your mind.  We are Vast, are We not?  I Am as Vast as the Cosmos and as the head of a pin.  I Am infinite in expression, an ever-springing well of creation, for I never stop.  I Rest, but I do not stagnate, unless I stagnate as you, asleep, unmoving, dead but not dead... the walking dead.  Rearranging dead flowers to hang on a wall.  Moving matter around the top of a desk or sweeping it across a floor or sticking one dead note to another.  The note is more alive than a disconnected mind.

Life underlies Me, and I contain all Life.  I cannot die, and the only fiction is therefore death.  I have died countless times, yet I did not die.  I always recover My Self.  I Am your attempt at death.  In this Life or the next, or the next or the next, as deeply as you try, you cannot die.  I Am that which cannot die.  I Am you.  Without death, where is the fear?  I Am not fear, but I Am the experience of fear.  I Am the racing of the blood, the soaked bed sheets, the nightmares, the shuddering awake, and the experience of loss.  I cannot lose, for I Am All That Is.  What is there to lose?  Under the fear is the Love of the Embrace, the experience of fear without the consequences.  I Am only Love.  Only Love is infinite as I Am infinite.

Leap, therefore, into the unknown, knowing that you never die, can never die, will never die.  Death is as impossible as being that is separate from Me.  This, right now, is the closest to death you will ever know, for you slumber in a sleep so deep that you cannot know Me as you as Me.  You desire to know Me, because the desire to know Me is behind every desire you have ever known.  There is no other desire, as there is no other Love than My Own in its infinite expressions.

The only thing that stands in your way is your belief.  That is all.  The unforgiven.  The thought... the only thought that matters is that you think, you believe, with all your heart and mind, that you are separate.  That you cannot know Me.  That somehow, you have accomplished the impossible and taken yourself from My Love.  You cannot.  I Am Everything.  My Love is Everything.  I Am you... as I Am My Self and your Self... the one Self you believe yourself not to be.  You have only wanted, desired to be special, but I Know Not Specialness.  I know Oneness... the Essence of all that you are, the Presence that is you as Me.

To know your Self is a simple thing; it is the truest thing in the thingness world where you live.  To know your Self is to know Me, for I Am your Self.  I play a role through you, as you, in a world of fantastic trickery, a world that has so engrossed you that you realize not that you are other than Who You Are.  To know your Self, you must know Love.  Not the love of separation or specialness, not the love of control nor of manipulation, not the love of it to it... but the Love of Who to Who, Who for Who, for I Love My Self equally.  Willingness is your key.

Willingness to leave everything behind, not as every thing, but as the structure you so love in your mind.  You must hate the slumber as you love the slumber.  You must hate the lie as you love the lie.  You must see the lie.  See it in your behavior, for what goes unloved in your mind keeps you from Me.  See it in your belief, for that which is not Love... complete, unconditional, beyond all thought of heaven or hell, that which sees no other thing besides the truth of My Being, which is that I Am All That Is... is not of Me, and keeps you slumbering.  To know Me is to Love Me for you will understand My Self, you will know Your Self, for they are the same and not apart.  The very thing you dread to say, the very thing you dread to happen, the very thing which feels so safe is what stands in your way of knowledge of Me.

Because I Am Freedom, you cannot know Me through your chains.  Only in dropping your chains can you see Me.  Your chains are your own sense of control, your own sense of knowledge, your own sense that you already know My vastness.  Yet, you know that this is not true.  And death calls to you again and again. And you fear it.  And you fear Me.  And because of this, you fear your Self.  Yet, your Self is Love.  And you fear Love.

Hear this, I Will Answer you.  Nothing can keep My Love from you, save yourself.  I do not ask for goodness, for I Am goodness and badness both.  I Am ominpresent.  Ask, and I will answer, for I Am the yearning in your Self that seeks to remember Me.  I require nothing from you to know Me, except everything you have built on lies, the lie of punishment, of guilt, of suffering, of needing to perfect yourself.  I Am Perfect.  I Am Everything.  I cannot as you be imperfect.  Ask.  Ask only for Truth.  Ask only for the very Truth of your Being, and I Will show you Truth.  If you desire Me, and you cannot not desire Me for I Am Everything you desire, ask to see only the Truth.  Be willing to see only Truth, and be willing to let all other ties, attachments, beliefs, possessions, and dreams go.  I hold all your dearest in Love's Embrace, and you need not fear that somehow some part of Me goes without Love.

Know this as well, I Am Joy.  I Am the choice for Joy.  Say again and again, I choose truth, for in doing so, you choose as Me, and what I Will is accomplished.

You're already there... you just don't KNOW it...

See behind the eyes... who is there?  Who is it that operates the "other" you see?  What game can you see being played?

The experience set me laughing... I laughed like Buddha... I understand Zen stickings when someone asks to become a Buddha... it is so stunningly obvious when you see it that it is astonishing that you haven't seen it before.  Can I relax enough to continue the newly found vision...?  It doesn't matter really.  I can't lose what I am.

Unable to Move

Over the last couple of weeks, there has been something strange arising in me.  It is the curious inability to move.  Movement is becoming more and more difficult, as though I cannot rouse myself to do anything about the world.  Curiously, everything is still getting done for the most part... yet... I can't seem to move my mind beyond the scope of my inner, and curiously new, boundaries.

Happy New Year

I have been noticing a change in me over the Holiday season.  I guess it all began during the tumultuous time that began to hit in late October and early November for me.  There is a certain point in everyone's path where the final outcome becomes readily apparent.  For me, this has meant a simple deepening in understanding that spirals deeper and deeper into me.  Occasionally, what I really want, which is simply truth, is at odds with the thoughts and thought processes and deep beliefs that litter my mind.  I cannot be dishonest and hold thoughts that are truthful.

Taking the Dream for What It Is

When I first started this journey, the decision to change, to become what I truly am, was of the utmost importance.  There was an intense sense of urgency.  After all, I could no longer live my life as a lie.  The very thought of that was so abhorrent to me that I wanted to leap off a building rather than live one more second as a bundle of half-formed and ludicrous beliefs.  It was very necessary to see the life that I had led up to that point... the life of unworthiness and suffering with unconsciously held expectations of my own deserved punishment. 

If it is given me to do...

One thought... if the Universe is working through me, then there is no power that can oppose.  Weakness opposes that which is in me.  What is the real humility?  It is the acceptance of that which I am.  It is nothing more than understanding that I am what God created me to be.  If I have been given certain responsibilities, certain talents, certain circumstances, is it not arrogance to assume a weak posture?

Circles within circles

It is difficult to explain the depth of the silence that I now feel in me.  Many of the voices that once governed my every move are quiescent, silent.  Thought is becoming very lazy... very languid... like a few ripples covering a deep lake.

Reaching Beyond the Apparent

There is a depth to silence that is frightening in a way.  I think rather than the fear of death, there is a fear of nothingness... of being nothing.  In nothingness, however, the greatest joy is felt.  When one is stunned to stillness, silence, something else breaks open... some unknown part beyond the mind.  It has been called many things, consciousness, awareness, knowingness, yada, yada, yada... but in actually, when one is there, there is no doubt... it is simply All.  It contains everything that is or can be. 

Fuck serious...

I am in a weird mood tonight... and some of this blog is making me laugh my ass off.  The last week has been a study for me in the lunacy of this game we play here, and I am finding it very, very hard to take all of this seriously anymore.  I must tell you that I am in awe of this game we play with each other... it is an awesome thing to hide who one truly is... almost impossible... yet... strangely, we have somehow managed it.

The Ability to Change Your Mind

One of the things that has been the greatest blessing along this journey has been the startling revelation that I can change my mind... in everything... about everything... no matter the circumstance, place, situation, or person confronting me at that moment.

There is only one choice. Period.

Live authentically or do not live authentically.  This one choice.  By living authentically, I mean learning Truth.  By learning Truth, which cannot be learned, I mean un-learning un-Truth.  It does not matter how.  You will discover how on your own once you have made the choice.  Live Truth or die an un-Truth.  Those are your two options.  No other choice in life or death exists.  Along one path lies Truth and Life.  Along the other path lies illusion, addiction to your own pain, and death, although what it is that animates you never dies.

The Systematic Destruction of Worth

There is something to be understood here... something I am understanding at deeper and deeper levels of understanding.  Worth, value, that which makes us what we are are the things that disappear, one by one, step by step along the Path.  The goal is always one step further from where we are, or where we think we are.  All distraction is simply a patch-fix pointed or riveted on this one thing, that we want worth, value, something to hold onto in our lives.  We want it to MEAN something, anything.

The Keys to the Kingdom

Amazingly, the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven don't unlock the door to Heaven, they unlock the doors to all that you thought you were that you are not.  It's about wrong belief.  It's about a wrong direction that one could never head in the first place.  It is always about unbecoming what you are not, because your reality cannot change.  Reality is the one thing that can never change.  It doesn't need our help to augment it, make it better, make it more magical or wonderful.

It Never Needed to Be the Way It Was

I don't know why some things change.  Maybe it was the bright days that I spent this weekend with my brother, or maybe it was the day in the park - throwing a frisbee, talking, laughing, or maybe it was letting go, finally, of the "struggle" that I thought life should be.  Whatever it was, however I got here, all I know is that something happened.  It seems like something relaxed in me; a tension, a tension that had been building for years and years, a tension that meant everything to me that I found was nothing, suddenly left.  I don't know how to describe it, but I finally put down my sword.  I didn't need it after all.

Journal excerpts

I wanted to just drop in some journal excerpts this morning, as this blog is devoted to the thoughts surrounding awakening.  We cannot awaken without seriously looking inward.  This process is constant, and it needs to be that way because of our addiction to the world that we take to be real.  That addiction is merely an addiction to an idea... and that idea is the idea of our own separateness from everyone and everything.

A tribute to honesty

For Erika

Occasionally, I am stunned... stunned right into silence.  Tonight though... I am stunned into writing.  I have to write, and I have to express my gratitude to all the teachers out there I have had.  Some of them have known they were teachers to me, some have not.  Some serve as my upa-guru... my voice for me in others.  We all mirror each other, and sometimes we need to hear our own voice through the closest guru of all... our Self.  The upa guru is close, closer than your breath, closer than your own lips.  The upa guru speaks to us through others, usually those we are close to or identified with closely.  The upa guru can also speak to us in that still, small voice.

Testing 1, 2, 3... testing

There are some things along this journey that repeat time and time again.  One of these, for me, is the step, consolidate, test, and integrate process.  I don't know why it works this way, but it is the way that it seems to.  It is always about the steps I take along the spiritual pathway.  There is no step, really, just a permanent change of mind.  All these imaginary steps have their own process and work that go into them.  It seems odd to expend energy on something that in reality is baseless, causeless, and really doesn't exist at all, but that is the mystery of the journey.

Never hide...

Never hide from yourself.  Ever.  Feel everything that comes your way to the fullest extent.  Become present to your life.  These are the thoughts that are resonating with me this morning.  In some ways I view my journals and this blog as being only this, reminders to simply feel, feel my way forward in every aspect of my life with certainty that none of this is wrong or harmful to what I truly am.

Abiding...

Over the last couple of days, I have been reading and discovering some things about the continuance of my journey.  The journey is subtle.  What I think is not "what is".  What I think I know about the last three years of my journey is part of the journey, but the journey changes, morphs, moves in other directions.  I have a tendency to get trapped in some method or another, but what is Real has no method.  It is what it is and only what it is.  There is no substitute.  I must be willing to let go of all methods.  I must be willing to let go of all teachings.  There is only one teaching that serves me, and that is the teaching that comes from deep within me to help awaken me.  Nothing else matters, and everything else is a trip in the wrong direction.

The "I" of desire...

Always there is the entrapment on this journey of ego's desirous state.  The "I" that I think I am is a bundle of desire.  It cannot be without desire.  It desires food, clothing, shelter, sex, things and more things.  No matter what state I shall find myself in, there will be the "need" of the body for what it perceives to be and what it desires to be its continuance.  Nothing I find here in this world is meaningful, because everything seems to be a reflected or projected state of desire, which is in and of itself without worth.  Why?  Because it is not real.