Taking the Dream for What It Is

When I first started this journey, the decision to change, to become what I truly am, was of the utmost importance.  There was an intense sense of urgency.  After all, I could no longer live my life as a lie.  The very thought of that was so abhorrent to me that I wanted to leap off a building rather than live one more second as a bundle of half-formed and ludicrous beliefs.  It was very necessary to see the life that I had led up to that point... the life of unworthiness and suffering with unconsciously held expectations of my own deserved punishment. 

If it is given me to do...

One thought... if the Universe is working through me, then there is no power that can oppose.  Weakness opposes that which is in me.  What is the real humility?  It is the acceptance of that which I am.  It is nothing more than understanding that I am what God created me to be.  If I have been given certain responsibilities, certain talents, certain circumstances, is it not arrogance to assume a weak posture?

Circles within circles

It is difficult to explain the depth of the silence that I now feel in me.  Many of the voices that once governed my every move are quiescent, silent.  Thought is becoming very lazy... very languid... like a few ripples covering a deep lake.

Reaching Beyond the Apparent

There is a depth to silence that is frightening in a way.  I think rather than the fear of death, there is a fear of nothingness... of being nothing.  In nothingness, however, the greatest joy is felt.  When one is stunned to stillness, silence, something else breaks open... some unknown part beyond the mind.  It has been called many things, consciousness, awareness, knowingness, yada, yada, yada... but in actually, when one is there, there is no doubt... it is simply All.  It contains everything that is or can be. 

Fuck serious...

I am in a weird mood tonight... and some of this blog is making me laugh my ass off.  The last week has been a study for me in the lunacy of this game we play here, and I am finding it very, very hard to take all of this seriously anymore.  I must tell you that I am in awe of this game we play with each other... it is an awesome thing to hide who one truly is... almost impossible... yet... strangely, we have somehow managed it.

The Ability to Change Your Mind

One of the things that has been the greatest blessing along this journey has been the startling revelation that I can change my mind... in everything... about everything... no matter the circumstance, place, situation, or person confronting me at that moment.

There is only one choice. Period.

Live authentically or do not live authentically.  This one choice.  By living authentically, I mean learning Truth.  By learning Truth, which cannot be learned, I mean un-learning un-Truth.  It does not matter how.  You will discover how on your own once you have made the choice.  Live Truth or die an un-Truth.  Those are your two options.  No other choice in life or death exists.  Along one path lies Truth and Life.  Along the other path lies illusion, addiction to your own pain, and death, although what it is that animates you never dies.

The Systematic Destruction of Worth

There is something to be understood here... something I am understanding at deeper and deeper levels of understanding.  Worth, value, that which makes us what we are are the things that disappear, one by one, step by step along the Path.  The goal is always one step further from where we are, or where we think we are.  All distraction is simply a patch-fix pointed or riveted on this one thing, that we want worth, value, something to hold onto in our lives.  We want it to MEAN something, anything.

The Keys to the Kingdom

Amazingly, the keys to the Kingdom of Heaven don't unlock the door to Heaven, they unlock the doors to all that you thought you were that you are not.  It's about wrong belief.  It's about a wrong direction that one could never head in the first place.  It is always about unbecoming what you are not, because your reality cannot change.  Reality is the one thing that can never change.  It doesn't need our help to augment it, make it better, make it more magical or wonderful.

It Never Needed to Be the Way It Was

I don't know why some things change.  Maybe it was the bright days that I spent this weekend with my brother, or maybe it was the day in the park - throwing a frisbee, talking, laughing, or maybe it was letting go, finally, of the "struggle" that I thought life should be.  Whatever it was, however I got here, all I know is that something happened.  It seems like something relaxed in me; a tension, a tension that had been building for years and years, a tension that meant everything to me that I found was nothing, suddenly left.  I don't know how to describe it, but I finally put down my sword.  I didn't need it after all.

Journal excerpts

I wanted to just drop in some journal excerpts this morning, as this blog is devoted to the thoughts surrounding awakening.  We cannot awaken without seriously looking inward.  This process is constant, and it needs to be that way because of our addiction to the world that we take to be real.  That addiction is merely an addiction to an idea... and that idea is the idea of our own separateness from everyone and everything.

A tribute to honesty

For Erika

Occasionally, I am stunned... stunned right into silence.  Tonight though... I am stunned into writing.  I have to write, and I have to express my gratitude to all the teachers out there I have had.  Some of them have known they were teachers to me, some have not.  Some serve as my upa-guru... my voice for me in others.  We all mirror each other, and sometimes we need to hear our own voice through the closest guru of all... our Self.  The upa guru is close, closer than your breath, closer than your own lips.  The upa guru speaks to us through others, usually those we are close to or identified with closely.  The upa guru can also speak to us in that still, small voice.

Testing 1, 2, 3... testing

There are some things along this journey that repeat time and time again.  One of these, for me, is the step, consolidate, test, and integrate process.  I don't know why it works this way, but it is the way that it seems to.  It is always about the steps I take along the spiritual pathway.  There is no step, really, just a permanent change of mind.  All these imaginary steps have their own process and work that go into them.  It seems odd to expend energy on something that in reality is baseless, causeless, and really doesn't exist at all, but that is the mystery of the journey.

Never hide...

Never hide from yourself.  Ever.  Feel everything that comes your way to the fullest extent.  Become present to your life.  These are the thoughts that are resonating with me this morning.  In some ways I view my journals and this blog as being only this, reminders to simply feel, feel my way forward in every aspect of my life with certainty that none of this is wrong or harmful to what I truly am.

Abiding...

Over the last couple of days, I have been reading and discovering some things about the continuance of my journey.  The journey is subtle.  What I think is not "what is".  What I think I know about the last three years of my journey is part of the journey, but the journey changes, morphs, moves in other directions.  I have a tendency to get trapped in some method or another, but what is Real has no method.  It is what it is and only what it is.  There is no substitute.  I must be willing to let go of all methods.  I must be willing to let go of all teachings.  There is only one teaching that serves me, and that is the teaching that comes from deep within me to help awaken me.  Nothing else matters, and everything else is a trip in the wrong direction.

The "I" of desire...

Always there is the entrapment on this journey of ego's desirous state.  The "I" that I think I am is a bundle of desire.  It cannot be without desire.  It desires food, clothing, shelter, sex, things and more things.  No matter what state I shall find myself in, there will be the "need" of the body for what it perceives to be and what it desires to be its continuance.  Nothing I find here in this world is meaningful, because everything seems to be a reflected or projected state of desire, which is in and of itself without worth.  Why?  Because it is not real.

Believing something different...

A Course In Miracles:
"God has no secrets.  He does not lead you through a world of misery, waiting to tell you, at the journey's end, why He did this to you."

I was raised to think something very different from this statement.  The world of sin and degradation that this world represented to me, while I was growing up, was a place of abject poverty and misery.  It was a test.  A test of my will to follow God's Will no matter what.  It was a terrifying world where I never really understood

The heart of Love...

There has been a lot written about the Love that God holds for us, and sometimes I feel it is redundant to write about it.  Why redundant?  As A Course in Miracles says, there was never a time when we knew it not.  It is always with us, Love.  There is never a time that we are apart from it.  There may be times when seemingly Love retreats from us, but this is a matter of perspective only, and perception is never the whole story.

Tonight is one of those nights when I can feel the

I cannot see all that is happening...

Tonight, in addition to all the beauty that always comes from the A Course in Miracles study group, I saw something very profound to me.  I was standing out on the back patio listening to the rain.  My attention was caught by a drop of water suspended in space, defying gravity, right there in front of me.  It was perfectly formed, tiny, yet holding something that gave it a slight milkiness to its color.  I could imagine all of the microbes, molecules, atoms, and particles which might have given it this color and surface tension necessary to be as formed as it was.  I could imagine, for a moment, its infinity within itself.  One drop of water.

Boredom... a dangerous state

I have a friend whose life suddenly took a turn for the worse... rather unexpectedly.  She is a person I admire greatly, and as she told me the story about this particular period in her life, she laughed, albeit ruefully, about this particular period.  Her connection to Spirit is solid, to the point where she "hears" answers that most of us, who remain wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life, might miss.  This particular period landed her in multiple buckets of hot water all at once.  When she picked herself up from the wreckage, as most of us are wont to do when we get fed up with our own bullshit, she had one question on her mind.  "Why did all of this happen?"  The answer from Spirit, "Well... to tell you the truth, it was because you were bored."

Sometimes words just don't cut it...

I am laughing at myself this morning for trying and trying and trying to explain some things on this journey.  I finally gave up and decided to simply say... what the hell... words cannot describe the indescribable.  I want to be able to share this journey so badly sometimes, but all one can do is reach out to someone else who has been through it, look into their eyes, and say, "Isn't it just fucking cool?"  Nothing else can really be defined, and everyone arrives at the place where they are through their own recognizance.  They "recognize" the certain epiphanies for what they are.  They typically can describe the logical path or emotional path that it took to get there, but the epiphany will often sound like a cliche.

How do you tell someone, "God is Love"?  They will look at you like, "So the fuck what... my ______ has been telling me that since I was ____ years old."  It is a cliche

Ruminations

Sometimes all of life makes sense to one, disparate parts join together, things fall into place, one feels not alone in the vastness of the Universe.  Maybe it is just a good day.  What more could one want than just a good day anyway?  

I don't know what made the day feel good.  Maybe it was the movie I just watched or feeling the joy that comes through knowing that it all doesn't matter and never needed to.  I don't know.  I never really have known... when I look at it in retrospect.  

I have lived a good life.  There have been many weird and bizarre experiences, just enough to keep it exciting.  There has been so much good in my life too, just enough to make it all worthwhile.  I have loved with the depth of a thousand loves.  Sometimes I feel older than the

What really satisfies...

The last few days have been peculiar ones for me.  The power of intent and focus has many more uses than figuring out one's taxes, although I am not downplaying the effort one's taxes take, and why the hell haven't they simplified that process anyway?  I feel like spring is breaking through into my soul.  It is a peculiar feeling, like taking a colonic for the soul or something.  A lot of things have gone missing.


This is the peculiar feeling that I have gotten used to over the

Because you must...

Over the past few years, there has been a literary explosion of new consciousness exploration books.  Everything from self-help, self-improvement, and consciousness exploration books have rapidly gained acceptance and have met with a population longing for meaning of any type.  Let's face it, life without meaning has no life to it.


Let me ask the question of you and me both, why change at all? 

Processing Out of Bullshit

Mornings have a certain tone to them when one awakens.  Have you ever noticed that beginning feeling or mood that comes upon you when you are lying in the bed just after waking.  Many times there is a warmth and comfort that will surround me upon awakening, and that feeling is a sort of harbinger for the day... a ceremonial messenger.  The longer

Why this blog?

For the last three years, I have been in a process that is largely psychological in nature but also involves many surprising steps into other realms.  I hope that my thoughts on the nature of what I have come to view as a profound inner change, both in psychological and emotional states, can simply be viewed by others who may be on a similar trajectory.  Maybe they will find solace in the fact that the journey is real (in spite of what they hear from others and society at large), it is profound (in spite of the constant questioning of one's own sanity), and it is ultimately so personal that only they can take the steps (in spite of the fact that those steps may be hard indeed). 

I read through that first paragraph and see that I am rather circumspect in describing any details of this journey.  Spiritual is the only word that really describes it; however, serious psychologists and psychiatric scientists would probably balk at that word.  While I am sure of the profundity of this journey and its effects, I am not sure exactly how to describe it.  It is more like a psychological and emotional hollowing out, a ridding of oneself of misconception, a circular thought process that digs deeper at each layer of psychological underpinning to societal "norms", religion, thought dissonance and resolution, politics and one's place in the world, and almost every aspect of "normal" being.  It could at times be called a clinical depression, except that I must be extraordinarily functional to be clinically depressed.  It could at times be called epiphany, although I tend to revisit my own thoughts in such a way that today's epiphany could be tomorrow's derision.  

In a way, this whole blog is about heresy.  It is about scientific heresy, religious heresy, societal heresy, and familial heresy.  It is about the emperor and his lack of clothes.  It is also about joy, for to challenge the known equation is to step into a realm of the unknown.  Exploration and the unknown carry a peculiar kind of joy; they carry the joys of freedom, liberation, clear sight, and unobstructed view.  I am just a human, but what does that ultimately mean?  I don't know if I will ever discover that, and I sometimes despair of ever finding it.  Yet, I am spurred on by my thought of one thing, how can we not know what is real?  It seems laughable, yet despite all our vaunted scientific knowledge, we really don't have a clue.  I am just being honest in my assessment of the facts.

The range of topics here will be as wide as the range of human experience, because I am exploring my own experience through what I understand to be currently.  Expect posts on everything from death to dating, from inner states to altered states, from inner awareness to outer awareness, from synchronicity to sleep.  I can't say where the journey will next take me, it simply moves forward.  I may abandon this blog at any time, and I reserve the right to do so, although my hope is that it will have something to say to those who, like myself, seek truth at the risk of life and limb.

Together... through some connection you feel with me and I with you, I hope to explore many of those things which may be verboten in polite society.