Circles within circles

It is difficult to explain the depth of the silence that I now feel in me.  Many of the voices that once governed my every move are quiescent, silent.  Thought is becoming very lazy... very languid... like a few ripples covering a deep lake.

Today was a day of depth... of seeing the endless circles of life, the backwater eddies of time.  There is a lot ending in my life right now, and when one is silent, still... the endings never bring a sense of frustration or pain.  They just are.  Clearly seen, they stand out against the normal ridges of life like a blackened tree trunk against snow.  I wax poetic this evening... well... it could be worse.

Today was the Top of Utah Business Expo... the showcase of creation as it is seen through the eyes of business people... I assume.  Funny that I don't really identify with that... the business part of me this evening.  During my busy "getting ready" period, I wondered what the day had in store for me.  Little did I know that it would continue a wrapping up process that I have been feeling for months now.  I know that things are poised on the brink of a new period for me.

I said goodbye to a lover that I have had over the last little while this morning.  There was a gentle feeling of love, and also a feeling of genuine "done-ness," not in a push or a tearful and vengeful fight, just a simple letting go, breaking away.  I realized that it had been five years since the last business expo had been held in the same location.  It was then, five years ago, that I was there as a new business owner, trying to find clients, seeing all the booths, wanting to be a part of this world.  I was there with Dian.  Today, after I said goodbye to one lover and went to the expo, I, in turn, said goodbye to two more.  All of them had been significant loves... significant milestones in my life after Dian's death.  I felt as though I were saying goodbye to them all.

It was so strange, yet so perfect in my mood today, that I said goodbye to all of them.  They, in good grace, appeared in turn.  I said goodbye to one, went to the expo, where another had come.  I said goodbye in a different way to her.  At the end of the evening, another appeared, and I said goodbye to her.  One after the other... all the while seeing Dian and me there... in the same building... and gently saying goodbye to her as well.  It was like I requested all of them to appear to just hold one more day where we could say goodbye to everything they had with me and I with them.  So strange... like a dream.

It is difficult to explain... but the circles of life always reveal themselves in time... and the only thing we are ever required to do is to listen.  Funny that a friend of mine called yesterday to read me something from Neale Donald Walsch which summarized stated, endings are not to be feared, they are merely ending so that a grander version of your life can come along.  Life in the flow.  There is nothing like it.