Unable to Move

Over the last couple of weeks, there has been something strange arising in me.  It is the curious inability to move.  Movement is becoming more and more difficult, as though I cannot rouse myself to do anything about the world.  Curiously, everything is still getting done for the most part... yet... I can't seem to move my mind beyond the scope of my inner, and curiously new, boundaries.

Happy New Year

I have been noticing a change in me over the Holiday season.  I guess it all began during the tumultuous time that began to hit in late October and early November for me.  There is a certain point in everyone's path where the final outcome becomes readily apparent.  For me, this has meant a simple deepening in understanding that spirals deeper and deeper into me.  Occasionally, what I really want, which is simply truth, is at odds with the thoughts and thought processes and deep beliefs that litter my mind.  I cannot be dishonest and hold thoughts that are truthful.

Taking the Dream for What It Is

When I first started this journey, the decision to change, to become what I truly am, was of the utmost importance.  There was an intense sense of urgency.  After all, I could no longer live my life as a lie.  The very thought of that was so abhorrent to me that I wanted to leap off a building rather than live one more second as a bundle of half-formed and ludicrous beliefs.  It was very necessary to see the life that I had led up to that point... the life of unworthiness and suffering with unconsciously held expectations of my own deserved punishment. 

If it is given me to do...

One thought... if the Universe is working through me, then there is no power that can oppose.  Weakness opposes that which is in me.  What is the real humility?  It is the acceptance of that which I am.  It is nothing more than understanding that I am what God created me to be.  If I have been given certain responsibilities, certain talents, certain circumstances, is it not arrogance to assume a weak posture?

Circles within circles

It is difficult to explain the depth of the silence that I now feel in me.  Many of the voices that once governed my every move are quiescent, silent.  Thought is becoming very lazy... very languid... like a few ripples covering a deep lake.

Reaching Beyond the Apparent

There is a depth to silence that is frightening in a way.  I think rather than the fear of death, there is a fear of nothingness... of being nothing.  In nothingness, however, the greatest joy is felt.  When one is stunned to stillness, silence, something else breaks open... some unknown part beyond the mind.  It has been called many things, consciousness, awareness, knowingness, yada, yada, yada... but in actually, when one is there, there is no doubt... it is simply All.  It contains everything that is or can be. 

Fuck serious...

I am in a weird mood tonight... and some of this blog is making me laugh my ass off.  The last week has been a study for me in the lunacy of this game we play here, and I am finding it very, very hard to take all of this seriously anymore.  I must tell you that I am in awe of this game we play with each other... it is an awesome thing to hide who one truly is... almost impossible... yet... strangely, we have somehow managed it.